I Never Gave You Up, Never!

I am the most irresponsible mother in the world! I gave birth to my daughter when I was unmarried,

on lunar February 18th, 2000. It was rainy in Guangdong. The child’s grandma, her father’s mother, knew it was a girl rather than a boy. For that reason, she disagreed about our relationship even more than before. When my daughter was one month old, she threw all my clothes on the ground outside and trampled them to drive me away. She didn't allow me to take my daughter, declaring that I wouldn't be able to take care of her. I left my daughter with her with only 30 yuan in my pocket. 

Then I went into an electronic factory in Dongguan as an assembly line worker with the help of my fellow-townsman. I swore that I would make enough money to bring my daughter back with me. About one year later, I went for my kid, but her grandma forbade me from seeing her. With despair, I came back to the factory again. Three years passed by. I became a shift leader. I went to see my kid again, only to find the father had broken the commitment and organized a new family with a daughter. They refused to tell me where my daughter was. I cried and protested. It all turned out useless.

In 2004, I went to Changsha, Hunan Province from Guangdong. I've been a waitress in restaurants, worked in hospitals, was a vegetable dealer in a vegetable market since then. At last, a friend introduced me to a real state company as a salesperson. Then I met my husband. We have succeeded in career and have a happy family with three children, but I still can’t stop thinking of my eldest daughter who was lost. I felt really pained. I made a confession to my husband. Rather than being mad, he hugged me and said, ”You've been suffering so much. Why didn't you tell me earlier? I will face it with you!” 

With the support of my husband, I started searching. I knew the father would go back to his hometown for Spring Festival, so I went there in 2015, without telling anyone. At that time, both he and his wife were there. The father knew that I must have come for our daughter, so he dragged me to the roadside. I asked for some clues, but he wouldn't tell me. I threatened him that I would tell everything to his wife. He finally told me: My daughter’s father and uncle had left my daughter in the alley where the Nanxi Police Station was located in Zhuhai, so that the father could find a new wife more easily. 

I truly am the most irresponsible mother in the world! My daughter, I never gave you up! I would always prepare a birthday present every year on your birthday. Where are you, my daughter? I went to the orphanage to do volunteer work for two days every month from 2004 till now. I regarded every girl sent to the orphanage for some reason as my own daughter. My daughter, I never wish you would accept me as a mom. The only thing I want is to know where you are. You are 19 years old now. On your birthday this year, I went to the place where I gave birth to you, Maowan Village, San Xiang, Zhongshan City. The village was the same as two decades ago; only my daughter and I had been apart! 

My daughter, I never give you up, never! No matter how successful and powerful I am, I still felt pain at my bottom of my heart. My daughter, I cried so much that now I can't live without wearing glasses. My daughter, to find you is the goal which supports me come through life these years. I will never stop searching for you!

Today is lunar April 1st in China. I go to temple to practice abstinence and pray for blessings on lunar 1st and lunar 15th every month. The monks told me that recently I would receive some clues, either good or bad.

I also applied for a passport in case, thinking that if I got any information, I could go to the city my daughter lives in. I just want to take a look at her from a distance. Without permission of her adoptive parents, I would never interrupt her life!